Friday, December 30, 2016
What happens on a low
I've been really hesitant to talk about what happened this morning just because I don't even know if I fully understand it all the way as most of you know you've read and you've heard me talk about it I have bipolar I was diagnosed 7 years ago since then it's just become part of my life doesn't define who I am but sometimes it really does affect my life. I go through manic episodes which are called or I call them highs; when that happens I tend act like I'm invincible and I tend to struggle with impulse control and make really dumb choices. On the flip side of that there's manic depression which for me I call them lows. Today I woke up for no particular reason with a really low low this was the lowest low that I've had maybe ever if not for a very long time. I cried for almost 3 hours; it wasn't just normal crying it was sobbing. I haven't cried like that since since one of my best friends died. I keep getting asked what happened and I can't tell you because I don't know. I woke up and I didn't want to live anymore I didn't want to do life anymore. I drove home this morning thinking that I wish I would just get in an accident and die. Thinking of all the ways that I could die. I pulled into my garage and I was tempted to just sit in there with the car on in the garage shut and in the same breath I thought about Cody and how I didn't want him to grow up thinking that he had a mom who didn't want him. I didn't want that to be on his conscience and think that it was his fault. I literally felt like a fucking zombie this morning and it felt awful. I shut my phone off and I shut everything out I took time for myself today. I have been feeling a little bit better this evening, but I'm still not 100% and don't know if I ever will be. I know that I'm not as low as I was this morning and I never want to go back there again! I know that I have so many reasons to live. I have a house, I have a son, and so many people that love and support me. Sometimes being where I was this morning and knowing that just makes me feel worse because I know that my life could be a whole lot worse and I feel guilty. I just wanted to let everybody know what was going on because I've had a lot of people ask. I just want to tell everybody thank you for your love and your concern and it really does mean the world to me.
Monday, December 19, 2016
Self Love- feeling like you are not enough
Self love is a hard thing to come by. Nowadays we are surrounded by so much media of what we are told we should look like, act like, and be like. We are told that we are too fat, too skinny, our skin is too dark, too light, or not even enough. We are surrounded by constant noise and negativity. Once you succumb to those thoughts of not being enough, turning your outlook around can be rather tricky.
I have been one for as long as I can remember who have always thought that I wasn't enough. I never felt like I was good enough at sports, I wasn't as thin as the other girls who played, I wasn't as rich as the other kids I went to school with there fore I wasn't good enough. I always felt second best to my sister, she was always praised for how much better she was at sports than I was (this was to no fault of her own). I felt that I had no avenue to where I felt that I was special in some way or that I was the best. As I grew older those thoughts grew stronger. They were reinforced when I entered into a relationship that although gave me the best gift ever, my son, it also destroyed any self love or confidence that I had left.
This relationship was a an addiction that I couldn't kick. I think about it now and I cannot even fathom what it was that kept me coming back. He was not nice to me, did not make me feel special or wanted in any way. In fact he was quick to comment of my flaws, tell me how stupid I was for feeling a certain way, how fat I was. I cannot even remember a time where he ever told me I was beautiful or made me feel wanted.
Hind site is always 20/20. When I look back at those days, which I try hard not to haha, I remember being afraid. I felt afraid of ending up alone for the rest of my life. I then realized that I was mirroring the fears that I watched growing up. Choosing to leave that situation was hard each time I did it. I chose to leave a couple of times, but was somehow always roped back in. The final straw was when I ended up pregnant. I knew I was no longer living my life for me anymore, I was living it for this tiny human that was growing inside me. I was still being treated like the scum of the earth, I tried including him in everything, which he was good about in the beginning. Towards the middle he became flaky and stopped showing up, always with an excuse (like sorry I was golfing... WTF??). I was so emotionally exaughsted throughout my entire pregnancy spending most of the days crying my eyes out because of how I was made to feel. I eventually grew the strength to leave him and stop talking to him. It was really hard at first and every ounce of my being wanted to talk to him, but as the days went on, I grew stronger. I realized that his life style wasn't right to raise a child (constant pot smoking, drinking, and partying). I shifted my focus onto my son and that was my soul focus for a long time. What I should have done though was focus on me. I was still so broken, so weak, and felt so worthless. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep. Cody was the only thing that kept me alive and going. There were many times where I considered just leaving him to family and eliminating myself. I felt like a horrible mom because I couldn't breastfeed or stay home with him. There were so many times where I felt like he would be better off without me. I felt like used goods!
It wasn't until a little over a year ago that I realized how badly I loathed me. I couldn't stand the person I had become or the way I treated myself and others. Over the last year I have shifted my focus to myself. I did good for a while and then I started to let my self doubt creep back in and plan seeds. That lasted for a few months and I really let myself go. All the weight that I had worked so hard to lose was back plus some, I wasn't comfortable in my skin and wasn't nice to my body. The thing about self love is it doesn't just effect you, the choices that I was making due to lack of self love was hurting me personally, financially, and my relationship with my son. I started getting angrier more quickly and I could see the effect it was having on Cody.
Over the last 45 days I have really been focusing on flexing my self love muscle each day, choosing love over fear, and making choices based on thought instead of impulse. This past Friday I was really looking forward to taking this guy, whom I really like, with me to my work Holiday party. I got a text message stating that he wasn't going to be able to make it about an hour or so before I was planning on leaving. Was I crushed and disappointed? You bet I was. What I started hearing in my head was you are not good enough for him, why would anyone want to go with you, you are too much, no one will ever be able to deal with you, you will be alone forever, etc. My knee jerk reaction was to respond and be short or to just not respond at all. I was angry and upset, but mostly with me. After I stopped and took a breath and actually read what he was saying and not just assumed what was happening, I was able to responds more clearly and choose love over fear. In that moment I realized that my knee jerk action was being based off of fear. I stopped and thought about him and how he was feeling, he worked a long ass day (like 12 hours), it was busy, cold, the roads and weather were crap, and I am sure he was tired. It was in that moment that I realized I can continue to choose fear and respond selfishly or I can choose love and respond with care, compassion, and understanding. I chose to respond with love. It felt so amazing to know that I could have been the one thing that went right for him that day, to know that I was no longer being selfish and learning to love myself by showing care and compassion towards someone else.
I can see the transformation in myself, it is a daily battle within me. I will continue to fight though because I know that I am worth it. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be loved. I am worthy of love and happiness. If you find yourself struggling with self love and want some help please reach out. I have been reading Mastering Your Mean Girl by Melissa Ambrosini and it has helped me change my life.
I have been one for as long as I can remember who have always thought that I wasn't enough. I never felt like I was good enough at sports, I wasn't as thin as the other girls who played, I wasn't as rich as the other kids I went to school with there fore I wasn't good enough. I always felt second best to my sister, she was always praised for how much better she was at sports than I was (this was to no fault of her own). I felt that I had no avenue to where I felt that I was special in some way or that I was the best. As I grew older those thoughts grew stronger. They were reinforced when I entered into a relationship that although gave me the best gift ever, my son, it also destroyed any self love or confidence that I had left.
This relationship was a an addiction that I couldn't kick. I think about it now and I cannot even fathom what it was that kept me coming back. He was not nice to me, did not make me feel special or wanted in any way. In fact he was quick to comment of my flaws, tell me how stupid I was for feeling a certain way, how fat I was. I cannot even remember a time where he ever told me I was beautiful or made me feel wanted.
Hind site is always 20/20. When I look back at those days, which I try hard not to haha, I remember being afraid. I felt afraid of ending up alone for the rest of my life. I then realized that I was mirroring the fears that I watched growing up. Choosing to leave that situation was hard each time I did it. I chose to leave a couple of times, but was somehow always roped back in. The final straw was when I ended up pregnant. I knew I was no longer living my life for me anymore, I was living it for this tiny human that was growing inside me. I was still being treated like the scum of the earth, I tried including him in everything, which he was good about in the beginning. Towards the middle he became flaky and stopped showing up, always with an excuse (like sorry I was golfing... WTF??). I was so emotionally exaughsted throughout my entire pregnancy spending most of the days crying my eyes out because of how I was made to feel. I eventually grew the strength to leave him and stop talking to him. It was really hard at first and every ounce of my being wanted to talk to him, but as the days went on, I grew stronger. I realized that his life style wasn't right to raise a child (constant pot smoking, drinking, and partying). I shifted my focus onto my son and that was my soul focus for a long time. What I should have done though was focus on me. I was still so broken, so weak, and felt so worthless. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep. Cody was the only thing that kept me alive and going. There were many times where I considered just leaving him to family and eliminating myself. I felt like a horrible mom because I couldn't breastfeed or stay home with him. There were so many times where I felt like he would be better off without me. I felt like used goods!
It wasn't until a little over a year ago that I realized how badly I loathed me. I couldn't stand the person I had become or the way I treated myself and others. Over the last year I have shifted my focus to myself. I did good for a while and then I started to let my self doubt creep back in and plan seeds. That lasted for a few months and I really let myself go. All the weight that I had worked so hard to lose was back plus some, I wasn't comfortable in my skin and wasn't nice to my body. The thing about self love is it doesn't just effect you, the choices that I was making due to lack of self love was hurting me personally, financially, and my relationship with my son. I started getting angrier more quickly and I could see the effect it was having on Cody.
Over the last 45 days I have really been focusing on flexing my self love muscle each day, choosing love over fear, and making choices based on thought instead of impulse. This past Friday I was really looking forward to taking this guy, whom I really like, with me to my work Holiday party. I got a text message stating that he wasn't going to be able to make it about an hour or so before I was planning on leaving. Was I crushed and disappointed? You bet I was. What I started hearing in my head was you are not good enough for him, why would anyone want to go with you, you are too much, no one will ever be able to deal with you, you will be alone forever, etc. My knee jerk reaction was to respond and be short or to just not respond at all. I was angry and upset, but mostly with me. After I stopped and took a breath and actually read what he was saying and not just assumed what was happening, I was able to responds more clearly and choose love over fear. In that moment I realized that my knee jerk action was being based off of fear. I stopped and thought about him and how he was feeling, he worked a long ass day (like 12 hours), it was busy, cold, the roads and weather were crap, and I am sure he was tired. It was in that moment that I realized I can continue to choose fear and respond selfishly or I can choose love and respond with care, compassion, and understanding. I chose to respond with love. It felt so amazing to know that I could have been the one thing that went right for him that day, to know that I was no longer being selfish and learning to love myself by showing care and compassion towards someone else.
I can see the transformation in myself, it is a daily battle within me. I will continue to fight though because I know that I am worth it. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be loved. I am worthy of love and happiness. If you find yourself struggling with self love and want some help please reach out. I have been reading Mastering Your Mean Girl by Melissa Ambrosini and it has helped me change my life.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Update on Big Changes
So a little over 30 days ago I decided it was time to fight for my life and that I was worth it! Well I am happy to update you all that I completed one full round of Core De Force and am on my second round. They weren't kidding when they said this program helps change you from the inside out. I feel so empowered every day and so much stronger.
I am no longer in the dark place that I was in. I wake up thankful and excited for a new day. My relationship with my son has strengthened as well as my relationship for myself. I now know that I am here for a reason, I am still alive to make a difference in the world. I may still get lost something and I can accept that, but I know that I will always find my way back.
I cannot express how much all the love and support has meant to mean! It was because of all of you that I was able to muster up the strength for this journey. I keep going because I see the positive effects it has had on my life. I enjoy being happy and waking up everyday believing that it is another day to achieve greatness. I see the positive effects it has had on my son and my relationship with him. We have been focusing on stopping and enjoying all the moments life has to offer.
I can feel my hear opening up and thawing out a little more each day. It is truly an amazing experience. I do everything with love, I focus my attention on making decisions out of love rather than fear. My personal development book, Mastering your mean girl, has been an amazing tool for me. My outlook on myself and life changes and grows daily. I learn more about myself each day and the more I learn the more I love me!
I am no longer in the dark place that I was in. I wake up thankful and excited for a new day. My relationship with my son has strengthened as well as my relationship for myself. I now know that I am here for a reason, I am still alive to make a difference in the world. I may still get lost something and I can accept that, but I know that I will always find my way back.
I cannot express how much all the love and support has meant to mean! It was because of all of you that I was able to muster up the strength for this journey. I keep going because I see the positive effects it has had on my life. I enjoy being happy and waking up everyday believing that it is another day to achieve greatness. I see the positive effects it has had on my son and my relationship with him. We have been focusing on stopping and enjoying all the moments life has to offer.
I can feel my hear opening up and thawing out a little more each day. It is truly an amazing experience. I do everything with love, I focus my attention on making decisions out of love rather than fear. My personal development book, Mastering your mean girl, has been an amazing tool for me. My outlook on myself and life changes and grows daily. I learn more about myself each day and the more I learn the more I love me!
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Big changes....
So I know I said I was going to go live on Facebook however I decided I wanted to post on my blog. Over the last few months I have found myself in a very dark place; it has gotten to the point recently to where I wake up each day and wonder what the point of life is, why am I here? I just wake up and go through the motions every single day. I may appear to be happy, I may seem to be happy unfortunately I've gotten really good at Faking It. It's gotten bad enough to where I can't stand to be around people. I don't want to be around people, I don't want to be social, and I don't want to talk to anybody. Honestly I wanted to give up! I've been struggling in every aspect of life. I feel 100% alone everything that I do I do it alone everything that I go through I go through alone. I look at all these happy couples and I envy what they have and it makes me angry that I didn't get dealt that hand. I have found myself more and more recently comparing my life to everybody else's and let me tell you when you start doing that your life and your outlook on life just becomes dark, dreary, and downright miserable.
I needed you guys to know this and understand where I'm coming from so that you can understand why what I am going to tell you is a big change for me. Obviously I haven't been working out, I haven't been eating clean, I haven't really done much of anything other than stuff my face to try to make my feelings go away; or sleep so that I don't have to live in my reality. So that I could Escape to a dream world where I feel like I have control.
Truth is I allowed myself to lose complete control of my life and everything and I'm ready to take it back! I need to take it back or I'm not going to survive. I cannot keep living like this. So my first change, thanks to a good friend, is going to be reading the book which I posted "Mastering your mean girl" by Melissa Ambrosini. Second change which I posted a picture of this as well will be that I have planned out my menus I have planned out my meals for the next 4 weeks tonight I prepped them well until I ran out of food gotta go back to the store. Anyways the Third change will be this program called Core De Force. This is going to be hard, it is going to be challenging, and quite honestly I hope that it breaks me. I hope that this program makes me cry while I'm doing it or after I do it because then I know that it's working and that it's truly changing me. The last thing that I've done is I've set goals for myself (this is not something that just have ever really done for myself) I've set 30, 60, and 90-day goals. I've also made a list of the reasons why I need this change and why I want it.
I am going to post my goals below as well as my list of why I need this and why I'm doing this.
30 days (12/7/16):
- able to walk up the stairs without getting winded.
- down 1 pant size.
- down 15lbs
- sleeping better
- more energy
60 day goals (1/6/17):
- able to do 10 push-ups on my toes with no pause
- down 2 pant sizes
- cleared up skin
- no longer craving sugar
- feeling comfortable in my own skin
90 day goals (2/5/17)
- able to sit up all the way on a crunch/sit up
- able to do 25 push ups on my toes
- lost 40 lbs
- down 4 pant sizes
- feeling good confident
My Why:
* I need to be able to keep up with Cody!
* I need to be healthy mentally which starts with my physical health!
* I want to feel attractive and beautiful inside and out.
* I want my trips to Vegas and NOLA to be remembered as happy and Blissful not as feeling self-confident.
* I want and need to sleep better and feel more energetic.
I want to thank everybody who's taken the time to support me and read this I really appreciate it!!
I needed you guys to know this and understand where I'm coming from so that you can understand why what I am going to tell you is a big change for me. Obviously I haven't been working out, I haven't been eating clean, I haven't really done much of anything other than stuff my face to try to make my feelings go away; or sleep so that I don't have to live in my reality. So that I could Escape to a dream world where I feel like I have control.
Truth is I allowed myself to lose complete control of my life and everything and I'm ready to take it back! I need to take it back or I'm not going to survive. I cannot keep living like this. So my first change, thanks to a good friend, is going to be reading the book which I posted "Mastering your mean girl" by Melissa Ambrosini. Second change which I posted a picture of this as well will be that I have planned out my menus I have planned out my meals for the next 4 weeks tonight I prepped them well until I ran out of food gotta go back to the store. Anyways the Third change will be this program called Core De Force. This is going to be hard, it is going to be challenging, and quite honestly I hope that it breaks me. I hope that this program makes me cry while I'm doing it or after I do it because then I know that it's working and that it's truly changing me. The last thing that I've done is I've set goals for myself (this is not something that just have ever really done for myself) I've set 30, 60, and 90-day goals. I've also made a list of the reasons why I need this change and why I want it.
I am going to post my goals below as well as my list of why I need this and why I'm doing this.
30 days (12/7/16):
- able to walk up the stairs without getting winded.
- down 1 pant size.
- down 15lbs
- sleeping better
- more energy
60 day goals (1/6/17):
- able to do 10 push-ups on my toes with no pause
- down 2 pant sizes
- cleared up skin
- no longer craving sugar
- feeling comfortable in my own skin
90 day goals (2/5/17)
- able to sit up all the way on a crunch/sit up
- able to do 25 push ups on my toes
- lost 40 lbs
- down 4 pant sizes
- feeling good confident
My Why:
* I need to be able to keep up with Cody!
* I need to be healthy mentally which starts with my physical health!
* I want to feel attractive and beautiful inside and out.
* I want my trips to Vegas and NOLA to be remembered as happy and Blissful not as feeling self-confident.
* I want and need to sleep better and feel more energetic.
I want to thank everybody who's taken the time to support me and read this I really appreciate it!!
Friday, September 30, 2016
Being Broken
The last few months have been really stressful... I am close to my breaking point as of late. I have tried so hard to give my son the life I never had, to let him have every opportunity possible, but it has come at a price. I have turned into my child's slave... Honestly I feel like a single parent is a child's slave. I spend all my money on him, all my time on him, and for what?
So he can whine and complain when he doesn't get his way or throw a fit when I crack down on the rules... Like seriously WTH!
I wonder sometimes how anyone can enjoy being a parent... I currently am not finding any joy in it what so ever! I spend most of my time working to pay bills and for his sports, driving from one destination to another and then sitting for hours on end watching practices and games, I am up late cleaning from the whirlwind dinner that was cooked and the days dishes from lunch and breakfast, I am up early to get ready for work or sports or get my kid off to school.
On top of my time being spent so is my money. How does our economy expect any single parent to survive and raise a kid or multiples with how expensive everything is!! Seriously though... $1000 or more for daycare... that's almost as much as my mortgage! It should be illegal to charge that much money for childcare... or every school in the country should provide both before and after school programs for those of us who are working and trying to make a living, but cant when you have to spend all your money on flipping child care...
I am tired of struggling and trying to hustle to make ends meet, I am exaughsted from getting no sleep because I am either up late cleaning, or cant sleep due to stress. I am tired of doing it all on my own, but not willing to let others help. I am tired or working hard and seeing no outcome, I am tired of being broken!
Guess I needed to get stuff off my chest
So he can whine and complain when he doesn't get his way or throw a fit when I crack down on the rules... Like seriously WTH!
I wonder sometimes how anyone can enjoy being a parent... I currently am not finding any joy in it what so ever! I spend most of my time working to pay bills and for his sports, driving from one destination to another and then sitting for hours on end watching practices and games, I am up late cleaning from the whirlwind dinner that was cooked and the days dishes from lunch and breakfast, I am up early to get ready for work or sports or get my kid off to school.
On top of my time being spent so is my money. How does our economy expect any single parent to survive and raise a kid or multiples with how expensive everything is!! Seriously though... $1000 or more for daycare... that's almost as much as my mortgage! It should be illegal to charge that much money for childcare... or every school in the country should provide both before and after school programs for those of us who are working and trying to make a living, but cant when you have to spend all your money on flipping child care...
I am tired of struggling and trying to hustle to make ends meet, I am exaughsted from getting no sleep because I am either up late cleaning, or cant sleep due to stress. I am tired of doing it all on my own, but not willing to let others help. I am tired or working hard and seeing no outcome, I am tired of being broken!
Guess I needed to get stuff off my chest
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Mental Illness- what is is like?
So I know that I have talked about this briefly in other posts, but after recent events I really wanted to touch some more on mental illness. I, as do many other people, struggle from mental illness. It is something that is indescribable to deal with. The many many emotions and thoughts that go through your mind in not just one day or one hour, but one minute. There are many people that will tell you to just buck up or get over it, trust me we wish it was that easy, but it is not.
I get the to point sometimes that I am feeling do awful and crying so uncontrollably and I have no idea why. Then come the thoughts of WTF I'm a nut job... why am I even here... what is the point of my life... why was I dealt this hand... this list goes on and on.
For a long time I thought that I was made a parent as some form of cruel punishment, I still get those thoughts sometimes when things become too much for me to deal with. However when I am able to get the time to sit down and really think about things I realized that I was made a parent to save me! If I never got pregnant who knows where I would be now, but I can tell you it wouldn't be a pretty sight. I definitely wouldn't have bought my first home a year before my goal and most likely would not have gone back to school to finish my degree.
The mental illness's that I have play on one another as well... with bipolar I suffer from impulse control, manic behaviors, extreme mood swings, and an emotional roller coaster. When I am on a high I feel invincible, tend to make not that great of choices, I am overly bubbly and happy for no reason, the smallest act of kindness will melt my heart, and I tend to get attached and develop "feelings" for people quickly. When I start to come down from a high I start to realize the things that I have done the money I have spent that I didn't have and instantly start feeling ashamed, judged, and awful. I look at the things I've said to people (that were lets face it a little on the creeper side) my close to empty bank accounts, and the bad choices I made and think of what a loser I am and how stupid could I be, what the hell was I thinking.
With that low kicks in my depression and anxiety. I feel like a horrible person, like I don't deserve to be alive or happy. I think about the people I've lost and think why them and not me, surely they'd be doing more than I! I think to myself that I was kept here on Earth as my own personal hell. I start taking offense to things I normally wouldn't and am way more sensitive than usual. I tend to start crying for absolutely no reason, I get angry very quickly, and I lash out at people who do not deserve it. I get anxious thinking about going out around anyone or thinking about everything that I have to do or pay. I start worrying about unnecessary things that I cannot change. I wonder about the unknown and stress out about it.
This can happen all in one day, one week, one month, one year. Each vicious cycle is different in length from the last. However I can tell you that the thoughts that go through your mind can go a mile a minute and you sometimes just react without thinking (impulsive). Now I also struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am still not as familiar with it or how it is effecting me. I have noticed more recently that it effect the way I view things, how I react to certain situations, and my thoughts about myself. For those who don't know BPD stems from trauma that has happened in your life. I am still unsure of which or what trauma triggered this BPD in me, but chances are it was horrible enough that I am repressing it.
I will be going to counseling to try and battle the BPD head on. It has more recently started effecting me in a negative way and I think it is time for me to figure out what happened to me and how to cope with it.
I wasn't planning on being this open about this, but I really feel that people need to step back and put themselves in someone else's shoes. Each person copes with things differently and struggles in their own way. Before you tell someone to "buck up" or get over it really stop and think is it worth it? What if that comment is the final one that drives them over the edge. Instead ask them how you can help, some people are not as open or accepting as I am and some are. Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to and vent to, we need to feel like someone is listening and cares enough about us with no judgment.
Mental Illness is a very serious condition and occurs in many different forms and fashions. It is a daily struggle to get out of bed sometimes or to eat. It is a daily struggle to believe that you are good enough and that you are worth it. I recently had someone take his own life due to his "demons". It is really hard to some to get help or accept it and unfortunately this is what often times happens to those who struggle from mental illness. I really hope that I have helped put a little perspective on what we go through and help those who do not suffer from mental illness really understand what its like.
I get the to point sometimes that I am feeling do awful and crying so uncontrollably and I have no idea why. Then come the thoughts of WTF I'm a nut job... why am I even here... what is the point of my life... why was I dealt this hand... this list goes on and on.
For a long time I thought that I was made a parent as some form of cruel punishment, I still get those thoughts sometimes when things become too much for me to deal with. However when I am able to get the time to sit down and really think about things I realized that I was made a parent to save me! If I never got pregnant who knows where I would be now, but I can tell you it wouldn't be a pretty sight. I definitely wouldn't have bought my first home a year before my goal and most likely would not have gone back to school to finish my degree.
The mental illness's that I have play on one another as well... with bipolar I suffer from impulse control, manic behaviors, extreme mood swings, and an emotional roller coaster. When I am on a high I feel invincible, tend to make not that great of choices, I am overly bubbly and happy for no reason, the smallest act of kindness will melt my heart, and I tend to get attached and develop "feelings" for people quickly. When I start to come down from a high I start to realize the things that I have done the money I have spent that I didn't have and instantly start feeling ashamed, judged, and awful. I look at the things I've said to people (that were lets face it a little on the creeper side) my close to empty bank accounts, and the bad choices I made and think of what a loser I am and how stupid could I be, what the hell was I thinking.
With that low kicks in my depression and anxiety. I feel like a horrible person, like I don't deserve to be alive or happy. I think about the people I've lost and think why them and not me, surely they'd be doing more than I! I think to myself that I was kept here on Earth as my own personal hell. I start taking offense to things I normally wouldn't and am way more sensitive than usual. I tend to start crying for absolutely no reason, I get angry very quickly, and I lash out at people who do not deserve it. I get anxious thinking about going out around anyone or thinking about everything that I have to do or pay. I start worrying about unnecessary things that I cannot change. I wonder about the unknown and stress out about it.
This can happen all in one day, one week, one month, one year. Each vicious cycle is different in length from the last. However I can tell you that the thoughts that go through your mind can go a mile a minute and you sometimes just react without thinking (impulsive). Now I also struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am still not as familiar with it or how it is effecting me. I have noticed more recently that it effect the way I view things, how I react to certain situations, and my thoughts about myself. For those who don't know BPD stems from trauma that has happened in your life. I am still unsure of which or what trauma triggered this BPD in me, but chances are it was horrible enough that I am repressing it.
I will be going to counseling to try and battle the BPD head on. It has more recently started effecting me in a negative way and I think it is time for me to figure out what happened to me and how to cope with it.
I wasn't planning on being this open about this, but I really feel that people need to step back and put themselves in someone else's shoes. Each person copes with things differently and struggles in their own way. Before you tell someone to "buck up" or get over it really stop and think is it worth it? What if that comment is the final one that drives them over the edge. Instead ask them how you can help, some people are not as open or accepting as I am and some are. Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to and vent to, we need to feel like someone is listening and cares enough about us with no judgment.
Mental Illness is a very serious condition and occurs in many different forms and fashions. It is a daily struggle to get out of bed sometimes or to eat. It is a daily struggle to believe that you are good enough and that you are worth it. I recently had someone take his own life due to his "demons". It is really hard to some to get help or accept it and unfortunately this is what often times happens to those who struggle from mental illness. I really hope that I have helped put a little perspective on what we go through and help those who do not suffer from mental illness really understand what its like.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Self Discovery
This past weekend was an eye opener for me. For a long time now I have felt very empty like something has been missing. I have told everyone for a long time that I do not want to get married and have a traditional family. I think I have said it over the years to more convince myself than anyone else (I don't think anyone was convinced haha)
Anyways I attended an absolutely amazing wedding this weekend and to see and feel all the love that was shared it made me realize that I really do want that in life. I want that someday. After talking with a friend at the wedding I realized that I was lucky enough to have someone to call my best friend that I loved completely. Although things didn't work out for us at that time, I do strongly believe that he was/is my one that I am supposed to be with and it will happen when the time is right. The way I talked about him was the way I have heard others talk about their one true loves and the men or women that they spend their lives with. I was lucky to have found that at a young age, but I know now that the timing wasn't right.
All I can do at this point is hope that fate brings me to where I need to be. I know what I want in life and I am no longer going to hide behind my insecurities and fears because I was not living my life just merely placing a Band-Aid on it that was continuously falling off. I tried so hard to convince myself that I was okay being alone for the rest of my life and spending it by myself, but I am not. I look at my sister and her marriage and often find myself jealous or envious. She is married to her best friend and although they argue they have so much fun together and I know that is what I want in life too!
Anyways I attended an absolutely amazing wedding this weekend and to see and feel all the love that was shared it made me realize that I really do want that in life. I want that someday. After talking with a friend at the wedding I realized that I was lucky enough to have someone to call my best friend that I loved completely. Although things didn't work out for us at that time, I do strongly believe that he was/is my one that I am supposed to be with and it will happen when the time is right. The way I talked about him was the way I have heard others talk about their one true loves and the men or women that they spend their lives with. I was lucky to have found that at a young age, but I know now that the timing wasn't right.
All I can do at this point is hope that fate brings me to where I need to be. I know what I want in life and I am no longer going to hide behind my insecurities and fears because I was not living my life just merely placing a Band-Aid on it that was continuously falling off. I tried so hard to convince myself that I was okay being alone for the rest of my life and spending it by myself, but I am not. I look at my sister and her marriage and often find myself jealous or envious. She is married to her best friend and although they argue they have so much fun together and I know that is what I want in life too!
Friday, August 12, 2016
Chasing Your Dreams
Recently I have been feeling empty, like I am really missing something in my life. I think it has to do with my not chasing my dreams or doing anything that I am passionate about. I wake up do my routine, go to a job that I can't stand (yes I am thankful I have one, but doesn't mean I have to like it!), get off work, pick up Cody, cook dinner, run him to his various activities, come home, go to bed, and wake up the next day and do it all over again. I am living a life that I do not enjoy and find myself on auto pilot most of the time.
Thanks to a good friend who recently gave me the kick in the butt that I needed, I feel like some new life has been breathed into me. I feel my motivation rejuvenating and I am starting to feel excited about opportunities again. I have sat around for so long postponing things and making excuses (man am I good at that). I realized its time for me to start making my dreams a reality and working towards what I really want and to start living my life by my design.
I want to educate people, adults and children alike. I have been working on making as much money as possible so that I can get out of debt and start on my future, that is my first step. I will not let anyone or anything get in my way this time, not even myself!
Thanks to a good friend who recently gave me the kick in the butt that I needed, I feel like some new life has been breathed into me. I feel my motivation rejuvenating and I am starting to feel excited about opportunities again. I have sat around for so long postponing things and making excuses (man am I good at that). I realized its time for me to start making my dreams a reality and working towards what I really want and to start living my life by my design.
I want to educate people, adults and children alike. I have been working on making as much money as possible so that I can get out of debt and start on my future, that is my first step. I will not let anyone or anything get in my way this time, not even myself!
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Personality
Every living thing is full of personality, it is what makes us unique. I have really been struggling and trying to dig deep lately. I have felt my depression creeping back in and I definitely do not like it. I have let my impulse control go and have made some not the best decisions, but I am lucky enough to have some awesome friends who have called me out and put me in my place! Thank you for that.
I have started the PIYO program today and am really going to focus on nutrition and start teaching Cody about it. I pulled up Popeye the Sailor Man today and had him watch some of that on YouTube so he can learn the benefits of Spinach. :)
One of my biggest struggles recently is feeling like something is missing. I have so much to be thankful for in my life, but for some reason I still feel empty, like something is missing, incomplete. I feel the need to travel, it makes me wonder... was I a Gypsy in a former life? Or is it fate and destiny telling me that it is time to be somewhere so that something can happen?
Do you believe in Fate or Destiny? What were you in a former life? Do you ever feel like you were meant for more?
I have started the PIYO program today and am really going to focus on nutrition and start teaching Cody about it. I pulled up Popeye the Sailor Man today and had him watch some of that on YouTube so he can learn the benefits of Spinach. :)
One of my biggest struggles recently is feeling like something is missing. I have so much to be thankful for in my life, but for some reason I still feel empty, like something is missing, incomplete. I feel the need to travel, it makes me wonder... was I a Gypsy in a former life? Or is it fate and destiny telling me that it is time to be somewhere so that something can happen?
Do you believe in Fate or Destiny? What were you in a former life? Do you ever feel like you were meant for more?
Thursday, July 14, 2016
I am loving this new ME!
I have been on a soul searching, healthy living journey over the last year... it has been a long and rough ride to say the least. However within the last month I have really learned what it feels like to love yourself. I used to have such an awful image of me in my mind and I am happy to say that image has blossomed into something amazing.
I know now what my worth is and I am freaking priceless! I am pretty amazing and super awesome. I don't say those words with emptiness anymore! I believe them because I know they are true! I am 100% authentically me and I love me which is all that matters. We will always find people in this world that we do not click with and that is okay. We are all different and sometimes people don't connect. However just because you do not connect with someone doesn't mean you shouldn't still treat them with kindness.
The kinder you are to others the higher you vibrate with the universe and trust me you want to be on high vibrations, that's when the universe starts to give back to you. Good things happen to those who are in tune with themselves and their surroundings, send positive vibes and that is what you will receive. It will not happen overnight, it will take time to build it up, but in the end it will be worth it.
Love yourself for who you are because you are amazing! Make this life what you want it to be!
I know now what my worth is and I am freaking priceless! I am pretty amazing and super awesome. I don't say those words with emptiness anymore! I believe them because I know they are true! I am 100% authentically me and I love me which is all that matters. We will always find people in this world that we do not click with and that is okay. We are all different and sometimes people don't connect. However just because you do not connect with someone doesn't mean you shouldn't still treat them with kindness.
The kinder you are to others the higher you vibrate with the universe and trust me you want to be on high vibrations, that's when the universe starts to give back to you. Good things happen to those who are in tune with themselves and their surroundings, send positive vibes and that is what you will receive. It will not happen overnight, it will take time to build it up, but in the end it will be worth it.
Love yourself for who you are because you are amazing! Make this life what you want it to be!
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Friends and Relationships
Over the last two weeks I have been really tested with friendships and relationships. I have learned a lot about who I am and what matters most to me and the type of people I need/want in my life. I have decided that I need people who will be real with me, but also supportive, loving, and caring.
I am going to start making some changes and some people may be surprised by them although I'm not sure why of they really look at what has happened. Anyway it is time for me to really buckle down and think about what I want!! I'm setting my sites on it and going to get it!! It's time for me to put me first and make myself happy.
I am going to start making some changes and some people may be surprised by them although I'm not sure why of they really look at what has happened. Anyway it is time for me to really buckle down and think about what I want!! I'm setting my sites on it and going to get it!! It's time for me to put me first and make myself happy.
Friday, July 8, 2016
Own Your Own Happiness
I used to depend on other people for my happiness. I often found myself unhappy. When things didn't go as planned I would freak out and get upset. I have learned over the years that the only person you can truly count on is you. You have the control to make your own happiness. If things don't go as planned then do something else, what is the point in sitting around and stewing about it.
I feel like this last year in my 20's has really brought on some serious insight about myself. I am getting to know me all over again and I love it! I had plans that I was really looking forward to the other night, the other person backed out and didn't bother to let me know... was I upset? You betcha, but then I really sat and thought about it and decided that I wasn't going to let that ruin my night. Instead I spent some time enjoying my own company and watching a movie and relaxing, something I don't get much time to do anymore.
I talked with some friends and really enjoyed my night, was it what I was expecting? no, but did I have a good time anyway? Yes!
My challenge to you is next time you find yourself upset or angry because of what someone else did, choose to be happy and make your own happiness! You won't regret it.
I feel like this last year in my 20's has really brought on some serious insight about myself. I am getting to know me all over again and I love it! I had plans that I was really looking forward to the other night, the other person backed out and didn't bother to let me know... was I upset? You betcha, but then I really sat and thought about it and decided that I wasn't going to let that ruin my night. Instead I spent some time enjoying my own company and watching a movie and relaxing, something I don't get much time to do anymore.
I talked with some friends and really enjoyed my night, was it what I was expecting? no, but did I have a good time anyway? Yes!
My challenge to you is next time you find yourself upset or angry because of what someone else did, choose to be happy and make your own happiness! You won't regret it.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Finding Love
Most who know me know that I have been through the wringer when it comes to love and relationships. Growing up I didn't always have the best relationship with some family and as I got older I found myself in quite a few unhealthy relationships. When I was in high school I was an attention seeker. Any male who gave me attention I was "in love" with. I would basically do anything that they said as long I got the attention that I craved. I began sleeping around to deal with my family issues and to continue getting the attention that I wanted/needed.
I have since grown up, but not easily. I had to go through some rough patches to get to where I am now. I was in a relationship with my sons father for almost 3.5 years. It was a long and drawn out relationship that should have ended a lot sooner than it did. He was extremely abusive, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. He manipulated me every chance he could. Out of our 3.5 years he was in jail for a total of 1 year (at 2 separate times). Although I was miserable and depressed almost the entire time I did get some good things out of those years. I met some of my best friends that I still have to this day and I got my amazing son, Cody.
I decided after what I went through that I was just going to focus on being a mom and finishing school. So that is what I did for the next 3 years.
Then I decided I was going to get a summer job at Silverwood. I told myself that I was just there to work and that I wasn't going to become all buddy buddy with anyone or date anyone. Ha-ha! That didn't last long. I met this guy name Michael. We started flirting and it eventually turned into a relationship. It was perfect to me. He treated me well, yes not perfect, but much better than I had been treated in the past. We moved in together and has our own little family. It was perfect... or at least it would have been if we didn't have to ever interact with the outside world ha-ha. We lasted almost 2.5 years and were engaged at one point, but things slowly unraveled and we unfortunately couldn't put it back together. He found another girl, closer to his age, and moved out. I was left broken into pieces, I had become so comfortable and so dependent on him. I wasn't really sure how I was going to move on or that I wanted to. I harbored a lot of angry feelings for a long time. I eventually got over it and moved on. I focused on myself and living life to the fullest. I joined beachbody and am working on getting into shape and getting healthy. I want to teach my son how to be healthy. I also became a coach and gained an amazing group of friends that I am so thankful for. They motivate and encourage me every single day.
Recently I have started dating again. I actually feel comfortable in my own skin, which is amazing! I am supposed to have a date with a guy this week that I really am starting to like. Wish me luck!
I have since grown up, but not easily. I had to go through some rough patches to get to where I am now. I was in a relationship with my sons father for almost 3.5 years. It was a long and drawn out relationship that should have ended a lot sooner than it did. He was extremely abusive, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. He manipulated me every chance he could. Out of our 3.5 years he was in jail for a total of 1 year (at 2 separate times). Although I was miserable and depressed almost the entire time I did get some good things out of those years. I met some of my best friends that I still have to this day and I got my amazing son, Cody.
I decided after what I went through that I was just going to focus on being a mom and finishing school. So that is what I did for the next 3 years.
Then I decided I was going to get a summer job at Silverwood. I told myself that I was just there to work and that I wasn't going to become all buddy buddy with anyone or date anyone. Ha-ha! That didn't last long. I met this guy name Michael. We started flirting and it eventually turned into a relationship. It was perfect to me. He treated me well, yes not perfect, but much better than I had been treated in the past. We moved in together and has our own little family. It was perfect... or at least it would have been if we didn't have to ever interact with the outside world ha-ha. We lasted almost 2.5 years and were engaged at one point, but things slowly unraveled and we unfortunately couldn't put it back together. He found another girl, closer to his age, and moved out. I was left broken into pieces, I had become so comfortable and so dependent on him. I wasn't really sure how I was going to move on or that I wanted to. I harbored a lot of angry feelings for a long time. I eventually got over it and moved on. I focused on myself and living life to the fullest. I joined beachbody and am working on getting into shape and getting healthy. I want to teach my son how to be healthy. I also became a coach and gained an amazing group of friends that I am so thankful for. They motivate and encourage me every single day.
Recently I have started dating again. I actually feel comfortable in my own skin, which is amazing! I am supposed to have a date with a guy this week that I really am starting to like. Wish me luck!
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Accomplishing things already
So I haven't written in a bit due to buying my first home! That's right I have completed one of the goals on my list already! I am so proud of myself. When I was younger I set a goal to buy my first home by the time I was 30 and I was able to accomplish that at 29! I am so in love with my new home, my backyard is like my own personal oasis. I was also able to refinance my car and save myself over $100 a month! Things are really looking up and it just goes to show that if you work hard enough it will pay off.
We are getting settled into our new home and slowly trying to build a routine for ourselves. I am almost finished getting things into place and then I can start setting up my office and workout room. I am planning on starting my first round of the 21 day fix on Tuesday July 5th. I am hoping to yield similar results to what I did last time. I love this program so much because it is only 3 weeks. I tend to struggle with the others because they are 60 days and I have a hard time sticking with it for that long, I tend to get bored. I am hoping that if I switch it and do a different program each time I will be able to complete them all!
The feeling of achieving your goals is so amazing and just makes you want to fight for more goals!
I will leave you with this quote from my new book I am reading.
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."
-Goethe
We are getting settled into our new home and slowly trying to build a routine for ourselves. I am almost finished getting things into place and then I can start setting up my office and workout room. I am planning on starting my first round of the 21 day fix on Tuesday July 5th. I am hoping to yield similar results to what I did last time. I love this program so much because it is only 3 weeks. I tend to struggle with the others because they are 60 days and I have a hard time sticking with it for that long, I tend to get bored. I am hoping that if I switch it and do a different program each time I will be able to complete them all!
The feeling of achieving your goals is so amazing and just makes you want to fight for more goals!
I will leave you with this quote from my new book I am reading.
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."
-Goethe
Monday, June 20, 2016
Last Year in my 20's
So last Wednesday I turned 29! I cannot believe I am 29 years young.... where has the time gone! This is my last year in my 20's and it is both freighting and exciting! I am excited to see what I accomplish in my 30's, but not quite done being in my 20's (guess that's why I have 1 more year). I want to make this last year count and then ring in my 30's in style at Vegas of course!!
My goals for the last year in my 20's (these are in no particular order):
My goals for the last year in my 20's (these are in no particular order):
- Lose 75lbs
- Complete 4 rounds of 21 day fix
- Close on my first home
- Travel to Las Vegas
- Help change Cody's eating habits to healthier choices
- Get Cody into Big Brothers/Big Sisters
- Complete 1 round of Les Mills Combat
- Complete 1 round of PIYO
- Complete 1 round of 22 Minute Hard Corps
- Get down to a size 10!
Sunday, June 5, 2016
All of lifes curve balls
So I recently wrote about a possible new path in life. I decided to wonder down that path to take a chance, but I didn't like where it was going so I decided to take a turn off of that path and create my own. I liked where I was going, being free, single, and focusing on me so I am going back to that. However my new path did introduce me to someone who I believe was placed there for me to help. I strongly believe that my purpose in life is to help others on their paths and to find themselves by sharing my journey and what I have been through.
We have all been through stuff in our lives, that is part of becoming an adult, bad things happen to all people all the time. The most important part is how you recover from it and get back up after being knocked down. So many young people these days rush into relationships or jump from one relationship to the next. They don't know how to be themselves without someone else. It is so important to find yourself and find out who you are as an individual. You need to learn to love and appreciate yourself before anyone else can have the chance to do that to you as well.
Find a hobby for yourself and do something that you love. Become your own person and the rest will follow.
We have all been through stuff in our lives, that is part of becoming an adult, bad things happen to all people all the time. The most important part is how you recover from it and get back up after being knocked down. So many young people these days rush into relationships or jump from one relationship to the next. They don't know how to be themselves without someone else. It is so important to find yourself and find out who you are as an individual. You need to learn to love and appreciate yourself before anyone else can have the chance to do that to you as well.
Find a hobby for yourself and do something that you love. Become your own person and the rest will follow.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
The path Chosen
So I have decided to take the new path that was presented to me and see where it leads me. I believe that it was put before me so that I can take what I have learned on my current path and apply it as well as add more to my knowledge. I believe that this path will test my love for myself and help me grow that. It is an area that I have always struggled in. I will start on this path very slowly and definitely stay cautious, but I am excited to see where it leads me. Things are falling into place for me and Cody and I can't help but think it is due to the wonderful and amazing support system that we have had! Everyone has been so amazing with offering to help in so many ways! I look at where I was when I was with Michael and how much I hated myself and hated life and compare it to where I am now and the difference is amazing.
I know now that Michael leaving was meant to happen and it was sadly one of the best things for me. I took my hurt from it and was able to turn it into a positive by focusing on myself and learning how to love myself. I was able to make my relationship with Cody so much better and start teaching him how to love himself and others. This has been a really good year and a half for me and I am excited to see where the next year takes us!
To everyone who is reading this just remember to wake up and love yourself each day because you are so worth it! If you struggle with that like I have then wake up, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you and that you are worth it, then write out five things that you love about yourself and read it out loud!
I know now that Michael leaving was meant to happen and it was sadly one of the best things for me. I took my hurt from it and was able to turn it into a positive by focusing on myself and learning how to love myself. I was able to make my relationship with Cody so much better and start teaching him how to love himself and others. This has been a really good year and a half for me and I am excited to see where the next year takes us!
To everyone who is reading this just remember to wake up and love yourself each day because you are so worth it! If you struggle with that like I have then wake up, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you and that you are worth it, then write out five things that you love about yourself and read it out loud!
Monday, May 23, 2016
The Paths we choose
This weekend has been full of many different emotions for me. I have had so much happen in 2.5 days it has definitely been a whirlwind. I was approved for a house, we found one, made an offer and it was accepted. I have to find a way to come up with another $2,000. I then had a long time friend message me (new path) and an Ex message me (old path). I have chosen to stay single since my last break up which has been over a year and half ago. I chose to take this time to focus on myself and my relationship with my son. I wasn't being the best mom I could be and still have some improving to do. However I felt as though I was presented with three different paths this weekend and I need to choose which one to go on. Do I take my current path in a new direction with a new guy, do I stay where I am at on my current path and keep doing what I have been doing, or do I take a Uturn and return to an old path and maybe take that one in a different direction.
So many choices, I guess it is time to sit down and have a talk with myself to see what it is I am truly desiring. I have been happy on my current path, but as of late have felt something is missing... maybe one of these other paths is the answer... who knows. It is funny how life presents you with different opportunities and you are forced to make a choice, no matter how silly you may think that choice is it will effect you no matter what.
So many choices, I guess it is time to sit down and have a talk with myself to see what it is I am truly desiring. I have been happy on my current path, but as of late have felt something is missing... maybe one of these other paths is the answer... who knows. It is funny how life presents you with different opportunities and you are forced to make a choice, no matter how silly you may think that choice is it will effect you no matter what.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Smile
Not too long ago I can remember I was so happy, I could see it in every picture and every time I Smiled. As of late I look at my pictures and I can tell that I am no longer happy. To be honest I look and feel exaughsted and defeated. I am not sure where these feelings have come from, but I do know that I have not been taking care of myself like I should be. I haven't really taken anytime to just relax and let my body and mind rest. I also haven't been eating the best or exercising. I keep telling myself once we get into a house because right now we have things packed and boxes everywhere it is a mess.
The lessons I have learned recently is to take care of you first or you are not going to enjoy anything. I think it is time for a much needed change and a much needed pampering session!
The lessons I have learned recently is to take care of you first or you are not going to enjoy anything. I think it is time for a much needed change and a much needed pampering session!
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Life
I often find myself wondering about life... the questions that come up for me are:
What is the point?
Why am I here?
What am I destined to do?
I sit and wait for an answer, but often don't get one. I have realized that I need to take sometime to myself so really dig deep into my soul and connect with the universe if I want any answers. I need to start meditating. Now my question is how to I start doing that? I have a packed schedule and a 6 year old boy so time for myself is a rare and coveted commodity.
When I do find time to myself I have 4 cats and a puppy that cause a lot of noise and make it hard to meditate. So my question is to all those that meditate where and when do you do it? Has it helped you with a sense of purpose?
I know I was born and have survived this long because I am destined for great things. Now I just need to connect with my great thing.
Do you every feel like you are being held back and are struggling to break free? I feel like this often and I think it causes a lot of my anxiety. I feel right now like I am closer to breaking free than I have ever been though! I feel like the key is buying my home and getting moved in. I have been waiting on and working for this dream for so long now, I am struggling to wait any longer!
What is holding you back? What are you destined for?
What is the point?
Why am I here?
What am I destined to do?
I sit and wait for an answer, but often don't get one. I have realized that I need to take sometime to myself so really dig deep into my soul and connect with the universe if I want any answers. I need to start meditating. Now my question is how to I start doing that? I have a packed schedule and a 6 year old boy so time for myself is a rare and coveted commodity.
When I do find time to myself I have 4 cats and a puppy that cause a lot of noise and make it hard to meditate. So my question is to all those that meditate where and when do you do it? Has it helped you with a sense of purpose?
I know I was born and have survived this long because I am destined for great things. Now I just need to connect with my great thing.
Do you every feel like you are being held back and are struggling to break free? I feel like this often and I think it causes a lot of my anxiety. I feel right now like I am closer to breaking free than I have ever been though! I feel like the key is buying my home and getting moved in. I have been waiting on and working for this dream for so long now, I am struggling to wait any longer!
What is holding you back? What are you destined for?
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Friends and friendships
Since I can remember I have struggled with friends and friendships. I know that people come and go in your life and each person serves a purpose, I have grown to accept that. What I struggle with is trusting the friends I have are true, that they aren't talking about you and poking fun behind your back. I was never really accepted throughout junior high and high school. I never quite found a place that I fit in. There were the athletic popular people who would say high and then whisper at how pathetic or poor you were after you walked by and then there were the "druggies" who honestly were some of the coolest most accepting people I had ever met. The only issue I ever had was that I always felt pressured to do things I didn't want to, which in turn made me feel like I had people whispering about what a prude I was.
I too have done things in friendships that I wasn't proud of. When I was 16 I had some of the best friends I could ask for. We were always there for each other and had so much fun. I blew that group of friendships up by choosing a guy over them. That is something that I will forever regret, but it also taught me a valuable lesson in life.
I have had many different groups of friends come and go since then, they have all served a purpose in my life. I recently joined Beachbody and with it came an amazing team. My local team is a great group of girls who have been great friends so far. As of late though I feel like people are whispering behind my back because I decided to take a step back from "coaching" due to my life schedule. People don't understand what it is like to be in my shoes so its really hard for me to not get defensive when they start questioning my decisions.
I am in this parenting thing alone, my son doesn't have a dads house to go to every other weekend, I don't have a fiancé who has adopted my child as his own and helps out. I do everything on my own. Right now my schedule it so full I have no time for me or any sort of a social life and so it makes it really hard for me to keep friends because they cannot seem to understand that I cannot fit them into my scheduled constantly, its just too hard. My son will always come first in my life and I honestly don't want anyone in my life who cannot accept that.
I can honestly say that right now I feel more alone than I have ever felt and I don't know how to change that.
I too have done things in friendships that I wasn't proud of. When I was 16 I had some of the best friends I could ask for. We were always there for each other and had so much fun. I blew that group of friendships up by choosing a guy over them. That is something that I will forever regret, but it also taught me a valuable lesson in life.
I have had many different groups of friends come and go since then, they have all served a purpose in my life. I recently joined Beachbody and with it came an amazing team. My local team is a great group of girls who have been great friends so far. As of late though I feel like people are whispering behind my back because I decided to take a step back from "coaching" due to my life schedule. People don't understand what it is like to be in my shoes so its really hard for me to not get defensive when they start questioning my decisions.
I am in this parenting thing alone, my son doesn't have a dads house to go to every other weekend, I don't have a fiancé who has adopted my child as his own and helps out. I do everything on my own. Right now my schedule it so full I have no time for me or any sort of a social life and so it makes it really hard for me to keep friends because they cannot seem to understand that I cannot fit them into my scheduled constantly, its just too hard. My son will always come first in my life and I honestly don't want anyone in my life who cannot accept that.
I can honestly say that right now I feel more alone than I have ever felt and I don't know how to change that.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Dreams and connections within
Recently I have been having some weird dreams. I have been dreaming about one of my former lovers. We had a connection unlike any other that I have ever had. It ended when he moved away to another state, but out connection was still strong. Recently he has been in my dreams almost every night and it has been years since we have seen or spoke to one another. Each night it is a different scene but he is always there with me and we are working through some issue or battle together. I wake up every morning so sad that I don't have him here with me. He truly was "the one that got away". Today I woke up feeling like I am mourning for someones death. It is the weirdest feeling, like my heart legitimately hurts.
I don't know if something is wrong with him and this is why I have been dreaming of him or what is going on. It is really strange to me that out of no where he starts appearing in my dreams. The only other reason I could think of is that I am starting to possible date again, but I have dated people since him and I were together so I'm not sure why now and not then too. Although I enjoy getting to spend time with him in my dreams because I do miss him still even after all these years I am hoping that this feeling of dread and that something awful has happened goes away.
Anyone else have any experiences like this?
I don't know if something is wrong with him and this is why I have been dreaming of him or what is going on. It is really strange to me that out of no where he starts appearing in my dreams. The only other reason I could think of is that I am starting to possible date again, but I have dated people since him and I were together so I'm not sure why now and not then too. Although I enjoy getting to spend time with him in my dreams because I do miss him still even after all these years I am hoping that this feeling of dread and that something awful has happened goes away.
Anyone else have any experiences like this?
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Introduction
I've decided I need an outlet. I have so much going on in my head all the time I really just need to get it out so I am going to write it all down. Who knows maybe my babble can help someone some day. Just a little about me. I am 28 years old and a single mom. I have a 6 year old boy who keeps me very busy. He is in all kinds of sports, soccer, baseball, hockey, football, etc. So I am constantly on the go with not much time for myself. Almost 6 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety, depression, and borderline personality disorder. Its been a rough time trying to deal with all this and being a single mom, working fulltime, and running my son around to all his activities. I am not telling you all this for pity, but just so you can get to know a little about me.
Most of my life I have struggled with impulse control. I used to get flashes of anger as a child and lash out mostly with words, but sometimes physically. I honestly cant remember much of my child hood, I am not sure why, but my mind has blocked it out. I now have started to see impulse control issues in my son and it scares me. It breaks my heart because I know he is a loving little boy and he instantly feels awful for what he has done, but isn't able to think before he acts. I fee like people who don't know him think he is a monster and he really is a very loving little boy.
I have him in counseling to see if we can help with his impulse control and give him an outlet for his anger.
I have tried so hard to be the best mama I can be and to raise a strong independent boy! Its hard when I feel like I ruined him in a sense with all of my issues. Knowing that I could have passed any of my mental illnesses down to him kills me inside. I have been trying to work on bettering myself for the past almost year now. I have been reading personal development which has helped me so so much and I love every minute of it! It really helps me stop and think about things and gives me a different perspective on life.
Most of my life I have struggled with impulse control. I used to get flashes of anger as a child and lash out mostly with words, but sometimes physically. I honestly cant remember much of my child hood, I am not sure why, but my mind has blocked it out. I now have started to see impulse control issues in my son and it scares me. It breaks my heart because I know he is a loving little boy and he instantly feels awful for what he has done, but isn't able to think before he acts. I fee like people who don't know him think he is a monster and he really is a very loving little boy.
I have him in counseling to see if we can help with his impulse control and give him an outlet for his anger.
I have tried so hard to be the best mama I can be and to raise a strong independent boy! Its hard when I feel like I ruined him in a sense with all of my issues. Knowing that I could have passed any of my mental illnesses down to him kills me inside. I have been trying to work on bettering myself for the past almost year now. I have been reading personal development which has helped me so so much and I love every minute of it! It really helps me stop and think about things and gives me a different perspective on life.
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