What happens on a low

 I've been really hesitant to talk about what happened this morning just because I don't even know if I fully understand it all the way as most of you know you've read and you've heard me talk about it I have bipolar I was diagnosed 7 years ago since then it's just become part of my life doesn't define who I am but sometimes it really does affect my life.  I go through manic episodes which are called or I call them highs; when that happens I tend act like I'm invincible and I tend to struggle with impulse control and make really dumb choices.  On the flip side of that there's manic depression which for me I call them lows.  Today I woke up for no particular reason with a really low low this was the lowest low that I've had maybe ever if not for a very long time.  I cried for almost 3 hours; it wasn't just normal crying it was sobbing. I haven't cried like that since since one of my best friends died.  I keep getting asked what happened and I can't tell you because I don't know.  I woke up and I didn't want to live anymore I didn't want to do life anymore. I drove home this morning thinking that I wish I would just get in an accident and die.  Thinking of all the ways that I could die.  I pulled into my garage and I was tempted to just sit in there with the car on in the garage shut and in the same breath I thought about Cody and how I didn't want him to grow up thinking that he had a mom who didn't want him.  I didn't want that to be on his conscience and think that it was his fault.  I literally felt like a fucking zombie this morning and it felt awful.  I shut my phone off and I shut everything out I took time for myself today. I have been feeling a little bit better this evening, but I'm still not 100% and don't know if I ever will be.  I know that I'm not as low as I was this morning and I never want to go back there again! I know that I have so many reasons to live.  I have a house, I have a son, and so many people that love and support me.  Sometimes being where I was this morning and knowing that just makes me feel worse because I know that my life could be a whole lot worse and I feel guilty.  I just wanted to let everybody know what was going on because I've had a lot of people ask.  I just want to tell everybody thank you for your love and your concern and it really does mean the world to me.

Self Love- feeling like you are not enough

Self love is a hard thing to come by.  Nowadays we are surrounded by so much media of what we are told we should look like, act like, and be like.  We are told that we are too fat, too skinny, our skin is too dark, too light, or not even enough.  We are surrounded by constant noise and negativity.   Once you succumb to those thoughts of not being enough, turning your outlook around can be rather tricky.
I have been one for as long as I can remember who have always thought that I wasn't enough.  I never felt like I was good enough at sports, I wasn't as thin as the other girls who played, I wasn't as rich as the other kids I went to school with there fore I wasn't good enough.  I always felt second best to my sister, she was always praised for how much better she was at sports than I was (this was to no fault of her own).  I felt that I had no avenue to where I felt that I was special in some way or that I was the best.  As I grew older those thoughts grew stronger.  They were reinforced when I entered into a relationship that although gave me the best gift ever, my son, it also destroyed any self love or confidence that I had left.
This relationship was a an addiction that I couldn't kick.  I think about it now and I cannot even fathom what it was that kept me coming back.  He was not nice to me, did not make me feel special or wanted in any way.  In fact he was quick to comment of my flaws, tell me how stupid I was for feeling a certain way, how fat I was.  I cannot even remember a time where he ever told me I was beautiful or made me feel wanted.
Hind site is always 20/20.  When I look back at those days, which I try hard not to haha, I remember being afraid.  I felt afraid of ending up alone for the rest of my life.  I then realized that I was mirroring the fears that I watched growing up.  Choosing to leave that situation was hard each time I did it.  I chose to leave a couple of times, but was somehow always roped back in.  The final straw was when I ended up pregnant.  I knew I was no longer living my life for me anymore, I was living it for this tiny human that was growing inside me.  I was still being treated like the scum of the earth, I tried including him in everything, which he was good about in the beginning.  Towards the middle he became flaky and stopped showing up, always with an excuse (like sorry I was golfing... WTF??).  I was so emotionally exaughsted throughout my entire pregnancy spending most of the days crying my eyes out because of how I was made to feel.  I eventually grew the strength to leave him and stop talking to him.  It was really hard at first and every ounce of my being wanted to talk to him, but as the days went on, I grew stronger.  I realized that his life style wasn't right to raise a child (constant pot smoking, drinking, and partying).  I shifted my focus onto my son and that was my soul focus for a long time.  What I should have done though was focus on me.  I was still so broken, so weak, and felt so worthless.  I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep.  Cody was the only thing that kept me alive and going.  There were many times where I considered just leaving him to family and eliminating myself.  I felt like a horrible mom because I couldn't breastfeed or stay home with him.  There were so many times where I felt like he would be better off without me.  I felt like used goods!
It wasn't until a little over a year ago that I realized how badly I loathed me.  I couldn't stand the person I had become or the way I treated myself and others.  Over the last year I have shifted my focus to myself.  I did good for a while and then I started to let my self doubt creep back in and plan seeds.  That lasted for a few months and I really let myself go.  All the weight that I had worked so hard to lose was back plus some, I wasn't comfortable in my skin and wasn't nice to my body.  The thing about self love is it doesn't just effect you, the choices that I was making due to lack of self love was hurting me personally, financially, and my relationship with my son.  I started getting angrier more quickly and I could see the effect it was having on Cody.
Over the last 45 days I have really been focusing on flexing my self love muscle each day, choosing love over fear, and making choices based on thought instead of impulse.  This past Friday I was really looking forward to taking this guy, whom I really like, with me to my work Holiday party.  I got a text message stating that he wasn't going to be able to make it about an hour or so before I was planning on leaving.  Was I crushed and disappointed?  You bet I was.  What I started hearing in my head was you are not good enough for him, why would anyone want to go with you, you are too much, no one will ever be able to deal with you, you will be alone forever, etc.  My knee jerk reaction was to respond and be short or to just not respond at all.  I was angry and upset, but mostly with me.  After I stopped and took a breath and actually read what he was saying and not just assumed what was happening, I was able to responds more clearly and choose love over fear.  In that moment I realized that my knee jerk action was being based off of fear.  I stopped and thought about him and how he was feeling, he worked a long ass day (like 12 hours), it was busy, cold, the roads and weather were crap, and I am sure he was tired.  It was in that moment that I realized I can continue to choose fear and respond selfishly or I can choose love and respond with care, compassion, and understanding.  I chose to respond with love.  It felt so amazing to know that I could have been the one thing that went right for him that day, to know that I was no longer being selfish and learning to love myself by showing care and compassion towards someone else.
I can see the transformation in myself, it is a daily battle within me. I will continue to fight though because I know that I am worth it.  I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be loved.  I am worthy of love and happiness.   If you find yourself struggling with self love and want some help please reach out.  I have been reading Mastering Your Mean Girl by Melissa Ambrosini and it has helped me change my life.

Update on Big Changes

So a little over 30 days ago I decided it was time to fight for my life and that I was worth it!  Well I am happy to update you all that I completed one full round of Core De Force and am on my second round.  They weren't kidding when they said this program helps change you from the inside out.  I feel so empowered every day and so much stronger.
I am no longer in the dark place that I was in.  I wake up thankful and excited for a new day.  My relationship with my son has strengthened as well as my relationship for myself.  I now know that I am here for a reason, I am still alive to make a difference in the world.  I may still get lost something and I can accept that, but I know that I will always find my way back. 
I cannot express how much all the love and support has meant to mean!  It was because of all of you that I was able to muster up the strength for this journey.  I keep going because I see the positive effects it has had on my life.  I enjoy being happy and waking up everyday believing that it is another day to achieve greatness.   I see the positive effects it has had on my son and my relationship with him.  We have been focusing on stopping and enjoying all the moments life has to offer.
I can feel my hear opening up and thawing out a little more each day.  It is truly an amazing experience.  I do everything with love, I focus my attention on making decisions out of love rather than fear.  My personal development book, Mastering your mean girl, has been an amazing tool for me.  My outlook on myself and life changes and grows daily.  I learn more about myself each day and the more I learn the more I love me!