What happens on a low

 I've been really hesitant to talk about what happened this morning just because I don't even know if I fully understand it all the way as most of you know you've read and you've heard me talk about it I have bipolar I was diagnosed 7 years ago since then it's just become part of my life doesn't define who I am but sometimes it really does affect my life.  I go through manic episodes which are called or I call them highs; when that happens I tend act like I'm invincible and I tend to struggle with impulse control and make really dumb choices.  On the flip side of that there's manic depression which for me I call them lows.  Today I woke up for no particular reason with a really low low this was the lowest low that I've had maybe ever if not for a very long time.  I cried for almost 3 hours; it wasn't just normal crying it was sobbing. I haven't cried like that since since one of my best friends died.  I keep getting asked what happened and I can't tell you because I don't know.  I woke up and I didn't want to live anymore I didn't want to do life anymore. I drove home this morning thinking that I wish I would just get in an accident and die.  Thinking of all the ways that I could die.  I pulled into my garage and I was tempted to just sit in there with the car on in the garage shut and in the same breath I thought about Cody and how I didn't want him to grow up thinking that he had a mom who didn't want him.  I didn't want that to be on his conscience and think that it was his fault.  I literally felt like a fucking zombie this morning and it felt awful.  I shut my phone off and I shut everything out I took time for myself today. I have been feeling a little bit better this evening, but I'm still not 100% and don't know if I ever will be.  I know that I'm not as low as I was this morning and I never want to go back there again! I know that I have so many reasons to live.  I have a house, I have a son, and so many people that love and support me.  Sometimes being where I was this morning and knowing that just makes me feel worse because I know that my life could be a whole lot worse and I feel guilty.  I just wanted to let everybody know what was going on because I've had a lot of people ask.  I just want to tell everybody thank you for your love and your concern and it really does mean the world to me.