Living the COVID life as an Essential working Single Parent

 This new COVID life and all the changes that has happened has not been easy on any of us, however I can only speak from my experiences and my perspective.  I have watched so many friends struggle in different ways.  It blows my mind that one virus could do so much irreparable damage and I am not talking about medical ramifications of it.  I have seen my once thriving city slowly die and turn into a ghost town because we have a Governor who is so wishy washy and cannot make a firm decision or firm plan.  I know that many people will not see things as I do and that is ok as we all live different realities, have different priorities, and different perspectives.  

Being a single mom, a sole income, has been part of my story for 11.5 years, that portion has not changed and I have always made that work.  What has changed is the fact that my son is no longer physically going to school so he sits at home all day by himself, as I work in an office with no work from home option (and to be honest when I used to work from home I didn't enjoy it).  My son sits in front of a computer screen for many hours throughout the day, trying to learn from his teachers, who are doing the best they can with the circumstances they are presented, and trying to figure out this middle school life.  Not only has the experience of his first year of middle school been taken away, all of his sports have been delayed or cancelled so he went from doing something active every single day to nothing.  Sports did not only keep him active, but they taught him important life lessons like team work, how to work with people that you may not enjoy (because as adults we can definitely relate to that ha!), it teaches him strategizing, etc.  Now don't get me wrong I know this virus is real, I know people who have caught it, I do not know anyone who has passed as a result from it, however I believe that youth sports should not be shut down and should continue to go on, if they want to add extra precautions, then fine, but our kids are the ones suffering from all of this the most.  

I am not only terrified for the future of mental health and the human race, I am terrified for our kids mental health.  Yes, spending time alone is good for one's soul, however spending so much time alone is not healthy for anyone, the only way for them to obtain any social interaction is through online videos games or social media (which I do not allow my 11 year old on, he will not have social media until he is an adult because it is so easy to become a keyboard warrior and do irreparable damage to someone, but that is a topic for another post).  Human's are made to be social creatures.  

I am sure I will get a lot of flack (have already been attacked on my Facebook for my views haha) for how I see this "pandemic" and how I believe things should operate. I know I will get a lot of people who will say "well if everyone wore their masks like they were supposed to..." however, whenever I do go out (no I don't go party or to the bars I got out when it is necessary) I see a majority of people wearing their masks so to me that argument isn't really valid, if the masks worked as well as they are said to then we wouldn't be seeing this spread like it does.  My view is that people need to take personal responsibility for themselves and their family.  I am also NEVER going to judge someone for having a difference perspective or experience than I do. 

I continue to see so many small business close their doors permanently and it breaks my heart that something someone has worked so hard for just be gone in the blink of an eye because someone in "power" is making these decisions.  As a citizen of the United States I value my rights and hate seeing someone try to take them away.  We need to stand up or this will not go away and we are going to lose everything that people have fought for both past and present.  

Life isn't always sunshine and roses, but it is what you make it

Life has hit me full force lately.  As some may already know I had vertical sleeve gastrectomy surgery on 01/21/2019.  Thankfully I have had no complications from that surgery for almost 1.5 years.  However on Tuesday 05/19/2020 I had a sever gallbladder attack, first time I have ever had an issue with my gallbladder.  If you have had one then you know my pain haha.  It completely debilitated me.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance too, so I know if I felt the pain at a 10 it was not good.  I was debating on whether or not to try and make it to the ER, mind you I couldn't get up off the couch or really move at all. I used a heating pad with some CBD drops and was able to dull the ache a little with it finally subsiding about 4 hours later.  I called my surgeon's office the next morning and they got me in for an ultrasound and confirmed that I had gallstones.  This is a common side effect from the surgery I had and I would only continue to have more attacks so they decided they wanted to remove my gallbladder.  So this Friday 5/29/2020 I will go in to get my gallbladder removed.

This will be my third surgery in 1.5 years, my second one was my ACL reconstruction in November 2019, which I am still in recovery from (long process for recovery unfortunately).  Along with all that I started a new job in March, which I love so that is great but it brings its own highs and lows haha!  I love the new environment and the fact that I have my own clients that I get to work with, I love most of the people I work with and most days are generally great.  I do not enjoy the inner office drama (not as terrible as where I was before, but still annoying and avoidable if people learned to control their attitudes).

The last few days have been really hard on my heart.  I have had a lot come at me all at once, which has caused a lot of anxiety.  Trying to take it day by day and make a list of what I can do and don't worry about the things I can't get to before my surgery.  I also think all this quarantine and COVID BS has taken a toll on me more than I would like to admit.  I miss being out at Cody's sports and being busy all the time. 

I am choosing to look at the bright side of things, I have gotten some much needed things done around my house, I have an amazing support system, I have a job that I love and is flexible, and I am alive, breathing, and healthy.  Life is all about perspective!

Finding Something you are Passionate about... a Hobby!

I started this blog 4 years ago as a way to inspire people and to do something that I love.  I thoroughly enjoy writing and sharing my ongoing story in hopes that it will help someone who may be going through something similar.  As I read some of my prior blog posts I am reminded of just how far I really have come. 

I am finally at a point in my life where I can say that I am truly happy in almost every aspect.  Sure I still have days where the self doubt and self consciousness creeps in, but who doesn't.  Those days are few and far between now because I no longer allow them to define me.  I find a way to push past it and  know that I am amazing, I am beautiful (inside and out), and most importantly I am worth it!  I know the value that I hold, the love I have to offer, and the undying kindness in my heart, which has made all the difference for me.

It wasn't easy getting to where I am today.  It was about 3.5 years ago that I hit my lowest low and its been an uphill battle from there, but I wouldn't change it for the world.  Since I have made improvements with myself I have noticed the positive impact it has had on Cody as well.  Almost 1.5 years ago (crazy to think it has been that long already)  I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy.  This wasn't a decision I took lightly, in fact it took me two years of research before I made the decision.  Before you say well that was the easy way out, let me tell you it most definitely was not.  To have a major surgery where you could die is not something to take lightly.  I did work pre-surgery as well and had monthly visits with a dietitian, which helped tremendously.  If there is one thing that I have learned is that you get as much out of each opportunity in life as you put in.  I worked hard with my program and started making the necessary changes prior to surgery because I knew that it would help with my recovery and the life long changes that I needed to make after surgery.  It was a struggle, but I pushed through and did really well.  Since my highest weight in June of 2018  I have lost almost 100lbs.  It was never really about the weight loss for me though.  It was about my health and how my body felt.  I was 30 and felt like I was in my 60's, I didn't have much energy or the will to really want to do anything.  I knew that I didn't want to continue to live my life that was and something needed to change.  The tipping point for me was when I was told that I was pre-diabetic.  This was a huge wake up call for me and it was at that time that I knew I had to change.  We have a lot of medical co-morbities that run throughout my family and diabetes was one of them.  I knew that I didn't want that to be my fate so I made the decision to change my life that day.

Part of the process for surgery was to obtain a psych evaluation.  If you have read my previous posts you will understand why this made me nervous.  Turns out I had nothing to worry about.  After having a session with the psychologist and doing their little (and by little I mean long) quiz it was determined that I had been misdiagnosed and did not in fact have bipolar or borderline personality disorder.  He does believe that I do go through waves of depression (which is actually very common), but that I do not and never did have Bipolar or BPD.  It seemed so insane, but really made so much sense to me as over the last few years I had stopped taking any kind of meds and really started focusing on what I was putting into my body and trying to be as active as possible and felt like all that had "cured" me or that I at least had it under immense control.  I was informed that you don't just "cure" yourself from either of those and that based on everything I had told him (I was overly honest, lets be real here haha) he believed that I had been misdiagnosed with both. 

Fast Forward to surgery day, I was nervous beyond belief.  Not necessarily for the surgery itself or even the recovery, but to go under anesthesia.  I came out alright, obviously (cannot say that without hearing it in Professor Snape's voice... if you don't know who that is then you need to go watch Harry Potter!), my recovery went really well, I was dropping pounds and pants sizes like nobody's business.  I had more energy and just felt so much better about everything.  I was going to the gym almost everyday and really looked forward to it (that rush of endorphin's after a good hardcore workout is unreal!) I was becoming more active and enjoying things more. 

With more activity came more stress on my knee (injured it playing soccer, torn ACL, happened when I was 21).  It had been 11 years since my injury and so I decided it was time to get an MRI and see what it looked like now as I had never actually gotten it fixed, but just learned to live with it.  Turns out I needed surgery, technically I could have not had it and maybe been ok, but I wouldn't be able to play sports again like I had wanted.  So November 26, 2019 I faced a fear that had haunted me for 11 years (the pain of injuring my knee was worse than labor, let's just say that haha).  I had also used my injury as an excuse, a crutch, to be lazy and be "okay" with it.  I am doing better now and got cleared to start the running program of recovery (I am not a runner so haven't done much with this at the moment), but overall my recovery hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be and honestly am kicking myself for not getting it fixed sooner!

When I turned 30 I made a promise to myself that I was truly going to strive to live my best life.  That is something that I have been holding myself accountable to.  I felt like I wasted so much of my 20;s caring way too much about what other people thought of me, which in reality I learned it was just me projecting what I thought of myself!  People don't actually care that much about others as they're too focused on worrying about themselves and their own insecurities.  I have lots more to share, but I will save some for another post soon!

My Whole 30 Journey

So at the beginning of February I committed to do the Whole 30 after I saw what an amazing impact it had on a friends life.  I knew that I was heading down a steep path back to being miserable and uncontrollably depressed and I didn't want that for me or Cody.  I got the book It starts with Food and read that during the month.  On February 27, 2017 we started the Whole 30.  I was really nervous about the cost and about my will power.  I started by cleaning out all of the things that were not compliant they went in a cupboard on a high shelf and were out of sight and therefore out of mind.  I then searched Pinterest and ask in my amazing Food Freedom facebook group about food to purchase and favorites and where to shop.  The first two weeks were the hardest for shopping, we spent a lot of time reading labels and grocery trips were definitely longer than normal.  By the third and 4th weeks I felt like a "pro" and could make it in and out of the grocery store much quicker than before I started the whole 30!   I saved all my receipts so I could break down the cost for me in the end.  Over the 30 days I spent $500 on food.  That made it $16.67 per day, which lead to $2.78 per person per meal.   When I saw the $500 I almost had a hear attack, but when I broke it down I realized that I had spent much less on eating this month than I had Ever spent prior.  The main reason for that was A.  I wasn't spending unnecessary amounts of money on eating out or eating at Fast Food and B.  I was more conscious of what I was buying and meal planning ahead of time. \
Prior to starting the whole 30  I was in a constant tired state, I had chronic headaches, my bursitis was flaring up like no other, I had zero energy, and I felt like I was in a brain fog all the time (almost like walking around in a daze); I was not present in the moment at all.  These were some of the reasons that I decided to start the whole 30.  I knew I needed to change my diet in order to change my state of mind and how my body was feeling.  I decided to have Cody try it too.  The reason for this was that he was a sugar junkie, like the kid would eat a whole box of donuts if I let him or have his meals consist of cake and cookies or candy.  I didn't want that for him and I wanted to instill him with some good eating habits.  He has also struggled with behavior which I have talked about in previous posts and I am a firm believer that a proper diet can help with that as well.
I journaled almost everyday so that I could keep track of the changes and of how I was feeling.  Although I did not take before and after pics I did do weight and measurements for us both, but those were just side effects, not the reason we did it.  I will share all of that later on.  The first couple of days we started off strong.  We were both determined to do this and our will power was amazing.  I was ready to feel the changes.  after about 5 days the excitement was starting to wear off.  We were both super crabby and short tempered (not a fun time to be in our house hahaha).  Cody got really emotional, which I expected, but it lasted until around day 16 or 17, so much longer than I expected.   The first week or so I was extremely tired and did feel hungry in between meals from time to time.  Listening to these ques from my body helped me realize that I was not eating enough healthy fats and so I adjusted accordingly.  My sugar cravings and bad habits, hitting the vending machine after lunch for some cookies, were both very strong in the beginning.  I stayed the course and did not give into the free food at work either and those feelings eventually started dissipating around the end of week 2!
One struggle that I battled throughout the 30 days was getting Cody to eat.  Now don't get me wrong the kid definitely ate, however there were days when he would say he was full and done, when I know he was hungry.  However he didn't want to try the veggies that were made or didn't like what was made so he would just lie about being full.  This was an on going battle, it did get better towards the end though.  By day 8 I started to wake up on time or before my alarm clock with no problems.  I was sleeping through the night without waking up and I was falling asleep almost as soon as I went to lay down.  It was such an amazing change and a nice feeling.  To wake up actually feeling refreshed rather than like I hadn't slept at all was what I needed.  After that I started having more energy throughout the day, my brain fog was starting to disappear and my headaches were going away!  Cody's behavior still wasn't where I wanted it to be, however I was getting less calls home from the school for behavior issues so that was a win in my book. 
By say 20 I was starting to get tired of cooking all the time and all the dishes that came with it.  I was also starting to notice some changes in how my clothes were fitting and my temper.  I was able to stay more even tempered even when provoked or upset, A lot of that I feel like had to do with the clearer mind, I was able to stop and think before reacting.  By day 25 I felt like I was able to actually start being present in the moment and enjoying the smaller and finer things in the world.  Cody's behavior had improved more and more with each passing day.  It still wasn't perfect but was much better.  The last weekend of the Whole 30 we took a trip to Kelowna, B.C.  Which was a 5 hour drive.  we stayed for the weekend and enjoyed the last hockey tournament of the season.  I was so nervous about the trip, but due to some excellent planning and thinking out of the box we did just fine.  I made and packed all our food for the weekend and we just used the microwave in the room as needed.  we were able to stay on track and save money this way.  We stayed on course all weekend, the hardest part was the 5 hour drive home.  We did go out on that Sunday, but made sure that what we ordered was Whole 30 compliant. 
We wrapped up the first 30 days on 03/28/2017.  I learned a lot about how the food we put into our bodies effects our everyday behavior and how we feel.  The most important part of this journey for me was that I learned that I CAN do it.  If I set my mind to it and stick to my guns, no matter how difficult it may seem, it can be done.  I realized how much control food and sugar had over my life and I am not willing to give either of them any control over my life every again.  Cody has started the reintroduction process, I am staying the course as I really didn't miss anything I cut out.  I have tried a couple things here and there that I know were psychological triggers for me to make sure that my will power can withstand them now.  The side effects that I have gotten from the few things I have tried are definitely not worth the 5 seconds of that "it tastes so good" feeling.  A couple of the things have had sugar in them and its like I get a headache like no only 30 minutes later, I don't want that constant feeling anymore, it reassures that I do not want sugar at all to be involved in my life.  My mindset about food has evolved.  I no longer eat it because it tastes good, I look at food now and think "how is this going to fuel my body?" 
This journey has been quite the ride and I am no where near done with it!  If you are struggling or want to learn about your body and how food effects it I definitely recommend the book "it starts with food".   If you are on the fence about the whole 30 here is your push, just do it!  If I can do it and if Cody can do it, then YOU CAN DO IT!!! 
Now for what most have been waiting for.... Cody lost 14lbs and 5 inches total between chest, waist, and hips.  I lost 15lbs and 8 inches total between chest, waist, and hips.  I was also able to fit into a pair of jeans that I hadn't been able to wear in almost 5 years!  It was one of the best feelings ever.  I am so proud of our success and will forever be grateful to Cindy for sharing her journey, struggles, and successes.  Without her encouragement and seeing her story I probably would not have done this!  The knowledge that I have gained and the change in my outlook on life is priceless!

Parenting, dating, changes all at once

Being a parent is the hardest thing you will do!  There really should be a handbook for it.  Cody has struggled with behaviors for a while now, we have been in counseling for about a year and he has come so far.  Over the last week or so he has started to have some set backs.  Part of it is him and part of it is our over sensitized schools (but that's another story).  He has been getting angry quicker than normal and not controlling his reactions (leading to kicking another student and putting them in a headlock).  He has also been really emotional lately crying at the drop of a hat.  I try talking to him, but he just shuts down.  He has been asking a lot recently about when he is going to get a dad.  It breaks my heart to hear him ask this question because I don't have an answer for him.  I think he feels lost without a dad and he feels like he isn't complete.  It feels like my fault, however I know it isn't.  I made the choice I made to leave his father because I had to!  For my own sanity and for Cody's well being as a baby and later on in life.  The emotional turmoil that was being caused and the games that were played was not a good environment for a child to be raised in.  I know I am doing the best that I can and giving him opportunities that he will appreciate later on in life, but that doesn't make the now any easier.  I wish I could ease his pain and help heal his heart.
On a similar note, but not directly related, I have started dating again!  First time I have dated in over two years.  Its been both fun and nerve wracking.  I am still trying to figure out what I want (one day its one thing and the next day its another).  I have decided that I will continue to go out on dates and not start anything serious at the moment.  If I happen to find someone that I can connect with then I may run with that, but at the moment I am jumping into the pond feet first and going to see what is out there.
I have continued on my journey of changes and self love.  So far so good.  I did have a little set back over the last 1.5 weeks when I woke up one day and could barely move my neck.  I am officially on the mend and got my first real workout in this morning and it felt amazing!!  As for the self love portion, I have continued to focus on choosing love over fear, it is not always easy, but the more I do it the easier it gets.  There is way too much negativity out there right now so I have been trying to unplug for an hour a night to help reset my mind.  My confidence has grown immensely and I can now look in the mirror and love the person looking back at me!  I am taking things one day at a time, its not always sunshine and roses, but when it is I like to take advantage and enjoy as much of it as I can!

What happens on a low

 I've been really hesitant to talk about what happened this morning just because I don't even know if I fully understand it all the way as most of you know you've read and you've heard me talk about it I have bipolar I was diagnosed 7 years ago since then it's just become part of my life doesn't define who I am but sometimes it really does affect my life.  I go through manic episodes which are called or I call them highs; when that happens I tend act like I'm invincible and I tend to struggle with impulse control and make really dumb choices.  On the flip side of that there's manic depression which for me I call them lows.  Today I woke up for no particular reason with a really low low this was the lowest low that I've had maybe ever if not for a very long time.  I cried for almost 3 hours; it wasn't just normal crying it was sobbing. I haven't cried like that since since one of my best friends died.  I keep getting asked what happened and I can't tell you because I don't know.  I woke up and I didn't want to live anymore I didn't want to do life anymore. I drove home this morning thinking that I wish I would just get in an accident and die.  Thinking of all the ways that I could die.  I pulled into my garage and I was tempted to just sit in there with the car on in the garage shut and in the same breath I thought about Cody and how I didn't want him to grow up thinking that he had a mom who didn't want him.  I didn't want that to be on his conscience and think that it was his fault.  I literally felt like a fucking zombie this morning and it felt awful.  I shut my phone off and I shut everything out I took time for myself today. I have been feeling a little bit better this evening, but I'm still not 100% and don't know if I ever will be.  I know that I'm not as low as I was this morning and I never want to go back there again! I know that I have so many reasons to live.  I have a house, I have a son, and so many people that love and support me.  Sometimes being where I was this morning and knowing that just makes me feel worse because I know that my life could be a whole lot worse and I feel guilty.  I just wanted to let everybody know what was going on because I've had a lot of people ask.  I just want to tell everybody thank you for your love and your concern and it really does mean the world to me.

Self Love- feeling like you are not enough

Self love is a hard thing to come by.  Nowadays we are surrounded by so much media of what we are told we should look like, act like, and be like.  We are told that we are too fat, too skinny, our skin is too dark, too light, or not even enough.  We are surrounded by constant noise and negativity.   Once you succumb to those thoughts of not being enough, turning your outlook around can be rather tricky.
I have been one for as long as I can remember who have always thought that I wasn't enough.  I never felt like I was good enough at sports, I wasn't as thin as the other girls who played, I wasn't as rich as the other kids I went to school with there fore I wasn't good enough.  I always felt second best to my sister, she was always praised for how much better she was at sports than I was (this was to no fault of her own).  I felt that I had no avenue to where I felt that I was special in some way or that I was the best.  As I grew older those thoughts grew stronger.  They were reinforced when I entered into a relationship that although gave me the best gift ever, my son, it also destroyed any self love or confidence that I had left.
This relationship was a an addiction that I couldn't kick.  I think about it now and I cannot even fathom what it was that kept me coming back.  He was not nice to me, did not make me feel special or wanted in any way.  In fact he was quick to comment of my flaws, tell me how stupid I was for feeling a certain way, how fat I was.  I cannot even remember a time where he ever told me I was beautiful or made me feel wanted.
Hind site is always 20/20.  When I look back at those days, which I try hard not to haha, I remember being afraid.  I felt afraid of ending up alone for the rest of my life.  I then realized that I was mirroring the fears that I watched growing up.  Choosing to leave that situation was hard each time I did it.  I chose to leave a couple of times, but was somehow always roped back in.  The final straw was when I ended up pregnant.  I knew I was no longer living my life for me anymore, I was living it for this tiny human that was growing inside me.  I was still being treated like the scum of the earth, I tried including him in everything, which he was good about in the beginning.  Towards the middle he became flaky and stopped showing up, always with an excuse (like sorry I was golfing... WTF??).  I was so emotionally exaughsted throughout my entire pregnancy spending most of the days crying my eyes out because of how I was made to feel.  I eventually grew the strength to leave him and stop talking to him.  It was really hard at first and every ounce of my being wanted to talk to him, but as the days went on, I grew stronger.  I realized that his life style wasn't right to raise a child (constant pot smoking, drinking, and partying).  I shifted my focus onto my son and that was my soul focus for a long time.  What I should have done though was focus on me.  I was still so broken, so weak, and felt so worthless.  I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep.  Cody was the only thing that kept me alive and going.  There were many times where I considered just leaving him to family and eliminating myself.  I felt like a horrible mom because I couldn't breastfeed or stay home with him.  There were so many times where I felt like he would be better off without me.  I felt like used goods!
It wasn't until a little over a year ago that I realized how badly I loathed me.  I couldn't stand the person I had become or the way I treated myself and others.  Over the last year I have shifted my focus to myself.  I did good for a while and then I started to let my self doubt creep back in and plan seeds.  That lasted for a few months and I really let myself go.  All the weight that I had worked so hard to lose was back plus some, I wasn't comfortable in my skin and wasn't nice to my body.  The thing about self love is it doesn't just effect you, the choices that I was making due to lack of self love was hurting me personally, financially, and my relationship with my son.  I started getting angrier more quickly and I could see the effect it was having on Cody.
Over the last 45 days I have really been focusing on flexing my self love muscle each day, choosing love over fear, and making choices based on thought instead of impulse.  This past Friday I was really looking forward to taking this guy, whom I really like, with me to my work Holiday party.  I got a text message stating that he wasn't going to be able to make it about an hour or so before I was planning on leaving.  Was I crushed and disappointed?  You bet I was.  What I started hearing in my head was you are not good enough for him, why would anyone want to go with you, you are too much, no one will ever be able to deal with you, you will be alone forever, etc.  My knee jerk reaction was to respond and be short or to just not respond at all.  I was angry and upset, but mostly with me.  After I stopped and took a breath and actually read what he was saying and not just assumed what was happening, I was able to responds more clearly and choose love over fear.  In that moment I realized that my knee jerk action was being based off of fear.  I stopped and thought about him and how he was feeling, he worked a long ass day (like 12 hours), it was busy, cold, the roads and weather were crap, and I am sure he was tired.  It was in that moment that I realized I can continue to choose fear and respond selfishly or I can choose love and respond with care, compassion, and understanding.  I chose to respond with love.  It felt so amazing to know that I could have been the one thing that went right for him that day, to know that I was no longer being selfish and learning to love myself by showing care and compassion towards someone else.
I can see the transformation in myself, it is a daily battle within me. I will continue to fight though because I know that I am worth it.  I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be loved.  I am worthy of love and happiness.   If you find yourself struggling with self love and want some help please reach out.  I have been reading Mastering Your Mean Girl by Melissa Ambrosini and it has helped me change my life.