Mental Illness- what is is like?

So I know that I have talked about this briefly in other posts, but after recent events I really wanted to touch some more on mental illness.  I, as do many other people, struggle from mental illness.  It is something that is indescribable to deal with.  The many many emotions and thoughts that go through your mind in not just one day or one hour, but one minute.  There are many people that will tell you to just buck up or get over it, trust me we wish it was that easy, but it is not.
I get the to point sometimes that I am feeling do awful and crying so uncontrollably and I have no idea why.  Then come the thoughts of WTF I'm a nut job... why am I even here... what is the point of my life... why was I dealt this hand... this list goes on and on.
For a long time I thought that I was made a parent as some form of cruel punishment, I still get those thoughts sometimes when things become too much for me to deal with.  However when I am able to get the time to sit down and really think about things I realized that I was made a parent to save me!  If I never got pregnant who knows where I would be now, but I can tell you it wouldn't be a pretty sight.  I definitely wouldn't have bought my first home a year before my goal and most likely would not have gone back to school to finish my degree.
The mental illness's that I have play on one another as well... with bipolar I suffer from impulse control, manic behaviors, extreme mood swings, and an emotional roller coaster.  When I am on a high I feel invincible, tend to make not that great of choices, I am overly bubbly and happy for no reason, the smallest act of kindness will melt my heart, and I tend to get attached and develop "feelings" for people quickly.  When I start to come down from a high I start to realize the things that I have done the money I have spent that I didn't have and instantly start feeling ashamed, judged, and awful.  I look at the things I've said to people (that were lets face it a little on the creeper side) my close to empty bank accounts, and the bad choices I made and think of what a loser I am and how stupid could I be, what the hell was I thinking.
With that low kicks in my depression and anxiety.  I feel like a horrible person, like I don't deserve to be alive or happy.  I think about the people I've lost and think why them and not me, surely they'd be doing more than I!  I think to myself that I was kept here on Earth as my own personal hell.  I start taking offense to things I normally wouldn't and am way more sensitive than usual.  I tend to start crying for absolutely no reason, I get angry very quickly, and I lash out at people who do not deserve it.  I get anxious thinking about going out around anyone or thinking about everything that I have to do or pay.  I start worrying about unnecessary things that I cannot change.  I wonder about the unknown and stress out about it.
This can happen all in one day, one week, one month, one year.  Each vicious cycle is different in length from the last.  However I can tell you that the thoughts that go through your mind can go a mile a minute and you sometimes just react without thinking (impulsive).  Now I also struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I am still not as familiar with it or how it is effecting me.  I have noticed more recently that it effect the way I view things, how I react to certain situations, and my thoughts about myself.  For those who don't know BPD stems from trauma that has happened in your life.  I am still unsure of which or what trauma triggered this BPD in me, but chances are it was horrible enough that I am repressing it.
I will be going to counseling to try and battle the BPD head on.  It has more recently started effecting me in a negative way and I think it is time for me to figure out what happened to me and how to cope with it.
I wasn't planning on being this open about this, but I really feel that people need to step back and put themselves in someone else's shoes.  Each person copes with things differently and struggles in their own way.  Before you tell someone to "buck up" or get over it really stop and think is it worth it?  What if that comment is the final one that drives them over the edge.  Instead ask them how you can help, some people are not as open or accepting as I am and some are.  Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to and vent to, we need to feel like someone is listening and cares enough about us with no judgment.


Mental Illness is a very serious condition and occurs in many different forms and fashions.  It is a daily struggle to get out of bed sometimes or to eat.  It is a daily struggle to believe that you are good enough and that you are worth it.  I recently had someone take his own life due to his "demons".  It is really hard to some to get help or accept it and unfortunately this is what often times happens to those who struggle from mental illness.  I really hope that I have helped put a little perspective on what we go through and help those who do not suffer from mental illness really understand what its like.